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Archive for the category “Dreams”

A Lesson Learned From Sinking Metal

I was driving my car to the airport. I needed to reach my terminal a bit early as parking at DFW can be a total nightmare. In my rush I ended up getting off at the wrong exit. I needed terminal B and I was headed towards rental cars. I stepped on the gas; I needed to find a way to turn around. I sped through the single lane track and passed signs for AVIS, Enterprise and others.  I could find no way out.

I snaked passed Budget Rental, the last in the row. There was a police officer directing traffic in and out of the parking garage. As I passed he yelled at me as I had gone through a stop sign. I didn’t care too much as he was on foot. He couldn’t catch me and I didn’t kill anyone, no harm no foul.

My windows were down and I could hear him yelling dis-pleasures at me. That I needed to stop and he was going to get into his car to try and catch me. I did not have time for this. I ignored him, certain that there was no chance he would ever see me again. I sped up to ensure that this would be true.

Up ahead there was a decision to be made. Two paths: the road went straight or veered off to the right. There was not a sign for me to read so I could tell which was the right decision. I did not slow down. At the last second I decided to go right, no straight. I went straight and the road I was on turned out to be no road at all.

The road started to narrow and quick. On my left was an embankment. On my right was a large drop off that fell to a river. Just as fast as I could tell my brain to tell my foot to hit the brakes I was jolted. My tire had risen up on the left curb. The embankment quickly grew and my car was raised. It was raised higher and higher until I was speeding along at a forty five degree angle. The remaining pavement left for my right tire disappeared from underneath it. My vehicle and I spun out into the air a hundred feet above the water.

The Chevy landed wheels down and splashed heavily into the river, the great gob of metal sinking fast. My only thought was hoping that when I hit the bottom, it wouldn’t hurt. I braced for impact. No impact came. Whatever body of water I landed in was clear as spring water and deep as a canyon. I unbuckled. I checked myself, I was completely unharmed. I climbed out my window and started to swim. I looked up to see the sun glistening off the water. Its reflection told me I could make it to the top.

I don’t know if I ever made it out. The brightness of the sun woke me up and I was lying dry in my Dallas apartment.  That terrifying event had been nothing more than a dream, a quick, screeching dream from an afternoon nap.

I am not sure what to take from it. What was my mind trying to tell me? Is my sub conscious just trying to wake me up, to wake me up and urge me to do something productive? Could my brain just have been entertaining itself with a quick action movie? Was it something deeper yet?

Was I trying to tell myself to slow down before I make decisions? To make sure I know what I am doing and where I am going. Was I warning myself that not doing so could result in losing control and landing in some icy unknown? I imagine so.

I would just like to thank my neurons for sending me a message. I appreciate the lecture brain. Yours are much more entertaining and vivid than the ones I get from my parents. They didn’t do a bad job. It’s just your ability to make it feel so real is very effective.

What’s Outside the Window?

“What is outside the window?.” A question posed by Roberto Bolano to myself last night. Oh boy, you inconsiderate bastard, I thought. He had left me no answer. As I paced around my hotel room, absolutely perplexed, my mind was moving. What did he mean, what does it mean? This man has kept my attention for six hundred and forty six pages and as I turned number six hundred and forty seven and read that last line, Roberto still had me.

I tried to understand what he meant, where he was going. What was this genius of words trying to say with a picture. A square with dashes for lines, the same you would assume is telling you to cut here, to carefully create a perfect shape into the last page of a perfect book. It must be something grand. I just hoped to be smart enough to know.

I decided to focus on what it meant to me, it’s not like I could go ask the guy, I am sure he is buried in South America somewhere, a shrine I hope. The only answer I had, was no answer at all. It was a riddle, I knew that much.

What is outside the window? Was it prison bars? What is outside the window? Was it longitudes and latitudes? What is outside the window? As I stared in, I wondered is it me? I knew one thing for sure, I don’t know.

That final thought repeating in my head, I don’t know, I don’t know. I don’t know if that’s what he intended for me to think. I found it perfect anyway.

No one knows what’s outside the window or outside of anything for that matter. You must get up, get out of that couch, stop staring at that god-damned window called a television. Get up, get out. Go find out for yourself. You need to, you must stop staring and wondering.

Yes, the safety of whatever enclosure you might find yourself in is most certainly comforting. Yes, those walls keep you free from getting hurt, free from falling and free from breathing the city’s toxic air. They are also depressing. That room is also, exactly what is, enclosed. It is enclosing quickly on your life, on your soul.

Go, quick, find some danger, find some love, get hurt, get going!

If you are staring out right now, wondering, what is outside the window? Good. Go out that door, the door of your office building, the door of your home, apartment or loft, the door of your heart, the door of your mind, the door of your soul and find out.

Hurry, your breath is fogging the glass and winter is coming.

Outside a window in Montana

Shadow Chasing

At first a dream came to me, unknown, like a shadow. It was nothing but a gray blob circling my every move right in tune with my watch and the falling sun. It would come twice a day and I would keep an eye on it as it passed just in front of my nose and lose interest as it circled out of sight. I could see it, unsure of its origin.

Then one day I asked myself, where is this light coming from?

What is casting this shadow, this glimpse of something more? What is this burning sensation in my chest? (The feeling can be disruptive and irritating, like heartburn) What is causing these thoughts that are taking me away from my every day hectic schedule of a life already created? What is to be made of this dark and twisty thing that keeps my brain turning, my heart pumping and my feet moving?

Is it a greater need to feel destined and to fulfill such fates with my own power? Is it the need to wipe away that shadow and stand basking in its source? (The only shadow my own, for others to follow.)

The bigger question is do I dare to find out? I am guilty (like most of us) of making that fatalistic choice, by turning out the lights and choosing to walk at night. To have the only dreams I have, be the ones I wake up from.  But let’s be honest, in the real world of big time responsibilities and a list of tasks that never gets shorter, who actually has time for all this shadow chasing?

I have a shadow I am chasing of my own. I have a dream that grows more clearly each day. I have no choice but to do everything it takes to follow it. To dare to make the time, to take the time!  I have to do whatever it takes. I need to get the time even when it seems like there isn’t any left to have.

I have been making choices to reach this goal. I recently canceled my cable. I canceled my Netflix. I sold my Playstation. I sold my television. I have eliminated all of the obvious external distractions. The next to go are those pesky ones inside my head and Words with Friends.

All I have left to do is chase. I have to ask myself what I want and get it. There will be obstacles, that is a given. I will overcome them. I will prevail. I am certain in the end there is nothing more important than the chase itself. That giving yourself completely to the chase is a requirement of a having a life fulfilled, to reach that ever elusive happiness.

I choose to give myself up completely to the chase. And with time I’ve created, I will surely forge ahead. I will write one day about how I stared deep into the eyes of my shadow and met the challenge. I will tell you all about how I went down this path, as unglamorous as it might be, and won. I want to share with all of you of the time I took my soul and shook it from its comfort and took it home.

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